we're all gay communist witches. deal with it.
вчера ночью внезапно прочла пару-тройку кратких изложений сказок, баллад и мифов, которые заставили меня просто локтями давиться от смеха. что навело на мысль собрать в посте свои любимые краткие изложения. в основном это будет трава, взрощенная на полях Вильяма нашего Шекспира.
for your entertainment, как говорится.
Hamlet, abridgedHamlet, abridged
GHOST/DAD: Hamlet, your uncle killed me and married your mom. I want vengeance, so best get to murdering, plzthnx.
HAMLET: EEK!
OPHELIA: Hamlet, are you okay?
HAMLET: Get away from me, skankwhore!
OPHELIA: WTF? *goes from zero to crazy like that*
GERTRUDE: Kid, you need therapy.
HAMLET: And you need to be less of AN ADULTEROUS WHORE!
POLONIUS: OMG so rude!
HAMLET: Eavesdropping? I KEEL YOU!
*play goes on hold while Hamlet talks to skeletons*
LAERTES: You killed my dad and drove my sister to suicide, you jerk! I challenge you to a duel!
HAMLET: I KEEL YOU!
CLAUDIUS: MWAHAHAHA! I put poison in your goblet, Hamlet!
GERTRUDE: Yum, poisoned wine. *dies*
CLAUDIUS: Whoops, my bad.
HAMLET: I KEEL YOU!
GHOST/DAD: Wow, nice job son. Except for the part where you're bleeding all over my castle.
HAMLET: Ah, dammit. *dies*
Romeo and Juliet, abridgedRomeo and Juliet, abridged
ROMEO: I’m Romeo, and I used to be emo and annoying but now I’m so totally in luuuuurve and it’s AWESOME.
MERCUTIO: Okay, three things: One, there’s only room in this play for one awesome character and it’s me, bitch. Two, you’re still emo and annoying. Three, didn’t you say that exact same stuff yesterday about Rosaline?
ROMEO: Who?
*meanwhile, Juliet prances around her room and draws hearts on things and scribbles “Mrs. Juliet Montague” in her diary over and over. Because she is THIRTEEN. How old is Romeo supposed to be? Let’s not talk about that, k?*
CAPULET: Good news, Juliet! I found you a husband!
PARIS: Hello, I’m a complete tool.
JULIET: Daddy, I don’t want to marry that apparently decent and unflawed guy! I’m in love with Romeo Montague – we met yesterday and it was HOT.
CAPULET: I WILL BE DAMNED IF I SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER MARRIED TO THE ONLY SON OF THE MAN WHO IS MY MORTAL ENEMY FOR REASONS TOO UNIMPORTANT TO SPECIFY IN THIS PLAY!
JULIET: *stamps foot, runs off to her room to watch High School Musical again and sulk*
TYBALT: Hey Romeo, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
MONTAGUE POSSE: Oh, snap.
MERCUTIO: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
TYBALT: MAKE ME!
ROMEO: No! You can’t fight him, Mercutio because I already married his cousin!
TYBALT: I KEEL YOU!
*Romeo attempts to stop the fight and fails miserably*
MERCUTIO: FUCK YOU ALL! *dies*
ROMEO: Okay, forget what I said about not fighting. I KEEL YOU!
TYBALT: *dies*
PRINCE: I’ve had enough of your shit, Emo McStabbypants. You’re banished.
ROMEO: Waaaaaahhhhhh! I’m banished and Juliet is going to marry another guy and it’s not fair WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?
FRIAR LAURENCE: Jesus Christ, not this again. Okay, if you promise to grow a pair, I’ll help you and your wife out. Here’s the plan: she takes a potion that’ll make her go into a coma, and then she’ll get put in the family tomb and then you’ll sneak back into town, break into the tomb, wait until she wakes up, and then the two of you escape and live happily ever after! It’s perfect!
AUDIENCE: …the hell?
*Shockingly, the plan fails. Romeo goes back to the tomb (pausing to kill Paris just for good measure), but he thinks Juliet’s dead and drinks poison and dies, and then like two seconds later she wakes up and sees that Romeo isn’t mostly dead like she was, he’s dead, so she stabs herself.*
MONTAGUE: Wow, we are awful parents.
CAPULET: I have an idea – let’s make solid gold statues of our dead children to commemorate their love and serve as a constant reminder of the fact that our only children killed themselves because we were such uncaring parents.
*they actually do this.*
SHAKESPEARE: Beat that, Stephenie Meyer.
THE END.
Much Ado About Nothing, abridgedMuch Ado About Nothing, abridged
CLAUDIO: So, um, Hero, I sorta maybe like you a whole lot will you go to the prom with me?
HERO: We should get married! Squeeeeeee!
BEATRICE: Pfft. Love is for stupid losers who are stupid.
BENEDICK: You know, you might get laid more often if you weren’t such a cynical bitch all the time.
BEATRICE: Fuck you.
BENEDICK: Get in line, sugartits.
*audience is beaten over the head by sexual tension*
DON PEDRO: Hey everybody, I had a great idea! Let’s make Beatrice and Benedick fall in love!
EVERYONE: YAY! MEDDLING!
PRINCE JOHN: So, I think I’m going to break up Claudio and Hero.
BORACHIO: Really? That’s your dastardly scheme? How do we possibly benefit from that?
PRINCE JOHN: No, see, I don’t like Claudio because my half-brother likes him, and I hate my half brother, so…wait. Okay, so it’s actually a really pointless plan that only serves to create conflict. But it’s the only way I get any good scenes in this thing, so MISCHIEF AHOY!
BORACHIO AND CONRADE: YAY!
BEATRICE: Hey Benedick, you still suck donkey balls.
BENEDICK: I fart in your general direction! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
BEATRICE: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!
PRINCE JOHN: So guess what Claudio? Your woman totally cheated on you. I saw, I was there.
CLAUDIO: OMG I HATE THAT WHORE.
DON PEDRO: Despite the fact that he’s a bastard in all senses of the word and has no reason to be helping me or my friends, I think we should believe John without proof or even asking Hero’s side of the story.
CLAUDIO: Hero, you’re a shameless whore and I hate your stupid face!
EVERYONE: WTF?!
PRIEST: Great job, now Hero’s dead from sad.
CLAUDIO: OMG I AM SO REMORSEFUL. FORGIVE ME, DEAD HERO!
HERO: Pysche! I’m really okay!
BEATRICE: Luckily THIS time the priest’s idea to fake a girl’s death to solve all her problems actually worked, instead of backfiring horribly.
BENEDICK: Hey, that’s pretty funny. You know, I guess you’re not that bad. I think I love you, and stuff.
BEATRICE: Yeah, I guess I kind of love you too.
ANTONIO: Close enough. Now off to kill Prince John!
EVERYONE: YAY!
THE END.
A Midsummer Night's Dream, abridgedA Midsummer Night's Dream, abridged.
DEMETRIUS: I love Hermia!
LYSANDER: Shut up, I love her MORE. Anyway, you already hooked up with Helena.
DEMETRIUS: Who?
HERMIA: I want to marry Lysander but I'm already engaged to Demetrius and he won't leave me alone! Two hot boys are in love with me, WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD?
HELENA: FUCK. YOU. ALL.
TITANIA: Hey Oberon, I got a new Indian baby from one of my dead servants.
OBERON: I want that kid - hand it over, or I'll punish you with bestiality.
PUCK: Holy shit, there's so much awkward in that sentence I don't even know where to start.
HELENA: I'm lost in the woods and for some reason Demetrius likes me now! WTF?
HERMIA: I'm lost in the woods and for some reason Lysander hates me! WTF?
DEMETRIUS AND LYSANDER: We're lost in the woods and WE LOVE HELENA OMG.
PETER QUINCE AND COMPANY: We're lower-class actors, and therefore hilarious.
BOTTOM: I got turned into a donkey. And just in case anyone's missed out on the subtle humor of my name, I'm going to be called an ass by just about everyone in this play.
EVERYONE: Hee hee! Butt jokes.
PUCK: Well, this is an epic clusterfuck. How are we supposed to get this all sorted out?
OBERON: Easy. Just use my patented Make Everything Better potion!
*POOF*
DEMTRIUS: I love Helena!
HELENA: I love Demetrius!
LYSANDER: I love Hermia!
HERMIA: I love Lysander!
TITANIA: I love Oberon!
OBERON: And we'll just keep your little fling with Donkey Man between me and the internet, okay?
TITANIA: My who with a what?
PETER QUINCE AND COMPANY: Hey, look! We're still hilarious!
THESEUS: Okay, everybody's married to everybody - time to fuck like bunnies!
EVERYONE: YAY!
THE END.
кому интересно, здесь остальные сокращенные версии:
читать дальше
Othello
As You Like It
The tempest
Julius Caesar
The Taming of the Shrew
The Tragedy of King Richard III
дальше к моим любимым клипам.
Отелло в стиле рэп.
текст для ясности
Гамлет на немецком
бонус. ВНЕЗАПНО!!1
ЕВГЕНИЙ ОНЕГИН
FIN.
for your entertainment, как говорится.
Hamlet, abridgedHamlet, abridged
GHOST/DAD: Hamlet, your uncle killed me and married your mom. I want vengeance, so best get to murdering, plzthnx.
HAMLET: EEK!
OPHELIA: Hamlet, are you okay?
HAMLET: Get away from me, skankwhore!
OPHELIA: WTF? *goes from zero to crazy like that*
GERTRUDE: Kid, you need therapy.
HAMLET: And you need to be less of AN ADULTEROUS WHORE!
POLONIUS: OMG so rude!
HAMLET: Eavesdropping? I KEEL YOU!
*play goes on hold while Hamlet talks to skeletons*
LAERTES: You killed my dad and drove my sister to suicide, you jerk! I challenge you to a duel!
HAMLET: I KEEL YOU!
CLAUDIUS: MWAHAHAHA! I put poison in your goblet, Hamlet!
GERTRUDE: Yum, poisoned wine. *dies*
CLAUDIUS: Whoops, my bad.
HAMLET: I KEEL YOU!
GHOST/DAD: Wow, nice job son. Except for the part where you're bleeding all over my castle.
HAMLET: Ah, dammit. *dies*
Romeo and Juliet, abridgedRomeo and Juliet, abridged
ROMEO: I’m Romeo, and I used to be emo and annoying but now I’m so totally in luuuuurve and it’s AWESOME.
MERCUTIO: Okay, three things: One, there’s only room in this play for one awesome character and it’s me, bitch. Two, you’re still emo and annoying. Three, didn’t you say that exact same stuff yesterday about Rosaline?
ROMEO: Who?
*meanwhile, Juliet prances around her room and draws hearts on things and scribbles “Mrs. Juliet Montague” in her diary over and over. Because she is THIRTEEN. How old is Romeo supposed to be? Let’s not talk about that, k?*
CAPULET: Good news, Juliet! I found you a husband!
PARIS: Hello, I’m a complete tool.
JULIET: Daddy, I don’t want to marry that apparently decent and unflawed guy! I’m in love with Romeo Montague – we met yesterday and it was HOT.
CAPULET: I WILL BE DAMNED IF I SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER MARRIED TO THE ONLY SON OF THE MAN WHO IS MY MORTAL ENEMY FOR REASONS TOO UNIMPORTANT TO SPECIFY IN THIS PLAY!
JULIET: *stamps foot, runs off to her room to watch High School Musical again and sulk*
TYBALT: Hey Romeo, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
MONTAGUE POSSE: Oh, snap.
MERCUTIO: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
TYBALT: MAKE ME!
ROMEO: No! You can’t fight him, Mercutio because I already married his cousin!
TYBALT: I KEEL YOU!
*Romeo attempts to stop the fight and fails miserably*
MERCUTIO: FUCK YOU ALL! *dies*
ROMEO: Okay, forget what I said about not fighting. I KEEL YOU!
TYBALT: *dies*
PRINCE: I’ve had enough of your shit, Emo McStabbypants. You’re banished.
ROMEO: Waaaaaahhhhhh! I’m banished and Juliet is going to marry another guy and it’s not fair WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?
FRIAR LAURENCE: Jesus Christ, not this again. Okay, if you promise to grow a pair, I’ll help you and your wife out. Here’s the plan: she takes a potion that’ll make her go into a coma, and then she’ll get put in the family tomb and then you’ll sneak back into town, break into the tomb, wait until she wakes up, and then the two of you escape and live happily ever after! It’s perfect!
AUDIENCE: …the hell?
*Shockingly, the plan fails. Romeo goes back to the tomb (pausing to kill Paris just for good measure), but he thinks Juliet’s dead and drinks poison and dies, and then like two seconds later she wakes up and sees that Romeo isn’t mostly dead like she was, he’s dead, so she stabs herself.*
MONTAGUE: Wow, we are awful parents.
CAPULET: I have an idea – let’s make solid gold statues of our dead children to commemorate their love and serve as a constant reminder of the fact that our only children killed themselves because we were such uncaring parents.
*they actually do this.*
SHAKESPEARE: Beat that, Stephenie Meyer.
THE END.
Much Ado About Nothing, abridgedMuch Ado About Nothing, abridged
CLAUDIO: So, um, Hero, I sorta maybe like you a whole lot will you go to the prom with me?
HERO: We should get married! Squeeeeeee!
BEATRICE: Pfft. Love is for stupid losers who are stupid.
BENEDICK: You know, you might get laid more often if you weren’t such a cynical bitch all the time.
BEATRICE: Fuck you.
BENEDICK: Get in line, sugartits.
*audience is beaten over the head by sexual tension*
DON PEDRO: Hey everybody, I had a great idea! Let’s make Beatrice and Benedick fall in love!
EVERYONE: YAY! MEDDLING!
PRINCE JOHN: So, I think I’m going to break up Claudio and Hero.
BORACHIO: Really? That’s your dastardly scheme? How do we possibly benefit from that?
PRINCE JOHN: No, see, I don’t like Claudio because my half-brother likes him, and I hate my half brother, so…wait. Okay, so it’s actually a really pointless plan that only serves to create conflict. But it’s the only way I get any good scenes in this thing, so MISCHIEF AHOY!
BORACHIO AND CONRADE: YAY!
BEATRICE: Hey Benedick, you still suck donkey balls.
BENEDICK: I fart in your general direction! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
BEATRICE: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!
PRINCE JOHN: So guess what Claudio? Your woman totally cheated on you. I saw, I was there.
CLAUDIO: OMG I HATE THAT WHORE.
DON PEDRO: Despite the fact that he’s a bastard in all senses of the word and has no reason to be helping me or my friends, I think we should believe John without proof or even asking Hero’s side of the story.
CLAUDIO: Hero, you’re a shameless whore and I hate your stupid face!
EVERYONE: WTF?!
PRIEST: Great job, now Hero’s dead from sad.
CLAUDIO: OMG I AM SO REMORSEFUL. FORGIVE ME, DEAD HERO!
HERO: Pysche! I’m really okay!
BEATRICE: Luckily THIS time the priest’s idea to fake a girl’s death to solve all her problems actually worked, instead of backfiring horribly.
BENEDICK: Hey, that’s pretty funny. You know, I guess you’re not that bad. I think I love you, and stuff.
BEATRICE: Yeah, I guess I kind of love you too.
ANTONIO: Close enough. Now off to kill Prince John!
EVERYONE: YAY!
THE END.
A Midsummer Night's Dream, abridgedA Midsummer Night's Dream, abridged.
DEMETRIUS: I love Hermia!
LYSANDER: Shut up, I love her MORE. Anyway, you already hooked up with Helena.
DEMETRIUS: Who?
HERMIA: I want to marry Lysander but I'm already engaged to Demetrius and he won't leave me alone! Two hot boys are in love with me, WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD?
HELENA: FUCK. YOU. ALL.
TITANIA: Hey Oberon, I got a new Indian baby from one of my dead servants.
OBERON: I want that kid - hand it over, or I'll punish you with bestiality.
PUCK: Holy shit, there's so much awkward in that sentence I don't even know where to start.
HELENA: I'm lost in the woods and for some reason Demetrius likes me now! WTF?
HERMIA: I'm lost in the woods and for some reason Lysander hates me! WTF?
DEMETRIUS AND LYSANDER: We're lost in the woods and WE LOVE HELENA OMG.
PETER QUINCE AND COMPANY: We're lower-class actors, and therefore hilarious.
BOTTOM: I got turned into a donkey. And just in case anyone's missed out on the subtle humor of my name, I'm going to be called an ass by just about everyone in this play.
EVERYONE: Hee hee! Butt jokes.
PUCK: Well, this is an epic clusterfuck. How are we supposed to get this all sorted out?
OBERON: Easy. Just use my patented Make Everything Better potion!
*POOF*
DEMTRIUS: I love Helena!
HELENA: I love Demetrius!
LYSANDER: I love Hermia!
HERMIA: I love Lysander!
TITANIA: I love Oberon!
OBERON: And we'll just keep your little fling with Donkey Man between me and the internet, okay?
TITANIA: My who with a what?
PETER QUINCE AND COMPANY: Hey, look! We're still hilarious!
THESEUS: Okay, everybody's married to everybody - time to fuck like bunnies!
EVERYONE: YAY!
THE END.
кому интересно, здесь остальные сокращенные версии:
читать дальше
Othello
As You Like It
The tempest
Julius Caesar
The Taming of the Shrew
The Tragedy of King Richard III
дальше к моим любимым клипам.
Отелло в стиле рэп.
текст для ясности
Гамлет на немецком
бонус. ВНЕЗАПНО!!1
ЕВГЕНИЙ ОНЕГИН
FIN.
@темы: видео, полуночь, верните нам наше умопомрачение, слово на "б"